We sometimes see things not as they are, but as we are. Our unchecked emotional baggage and assumptions can distort how we interpret (and thus respond to) what other people say and do. Missing other people’s signals can make bad situations even worse.

In this episode, University of California Professor Clark Freshman explains the importance of self-awareness in both leadership and negotiation. (You may remember his earlier visit when he spoke about lie detection—how to tell whether someone who says “this is my final offer—take it or leave it” is bluffing or telling the truth.)

Here he touches again on that topic, but the central focus of this conversation is how failing to be honest with ourselves hobbles relationships with others. Clark shares his practical tips for deepening self-awareness, and co-host Kim Leary adds her insights from her years of practice as a clinical psychologist.

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There are scads of books, articles, and even courses on how to give effective feedback. That’s no surprise. Directing other people is at the core of what managers do, after all, whether it’s in annual performance reviews or off-hand comments after a task has been completed. Giving feedback is likewise part of a teacher’s job, part of grading papers and leading classroom discussion. And in families, the exchange of feedback—positive and negative; explicit and between the lines—is a constant process. (And unfortunately, not always a healthy one.)
Sheila Heen, our guest in this episode, says we’ve got things upside down. If we want work teams to be more productive or if we’d like personal relationships to flourish, instead of obsessing about giving feedback, we should focus on the art of getting constructive advice. Sheila explains how—with the right mindset, coupled with deft interpersonal skills—you can proactively shape constructive conversations at work, at home, and in your communities.

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